Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
