I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
