How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
