no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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