Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
