I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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