READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
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So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ladies don't puke and tell
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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