Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
