somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
