are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
MIDGETS
????
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
