I bet he comes in French.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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