Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
