with your own penis?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
