So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
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Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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