Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
