my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
