I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
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I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
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Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.