I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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