This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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