His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
