You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Randomize
