I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
