God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
