The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You don't make any sense
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