Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
