Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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