my mouth tastes like poor choices
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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