i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
