I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
