evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
