There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
