I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
