I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So here I am, sexting at work.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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