Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
