People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I didn't notice because vodka
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
