The brown eye won't let me do that either.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
