How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
