Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
