i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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