Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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