Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
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I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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