you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
