Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
