I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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