Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
