the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
