smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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