I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
