I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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