the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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