she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
