He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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