the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
