I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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